New Drinking Song LOL!!!

[the_steel_rose]

Somebody buy me a drink,
for this day truly does stink.
I'll tell you a tale'
of my epic fail'
and you'll see that I need a stiff drink.

There once was a girl from Spokan,
I found later to be truely a man,
in drunken stupor,
I thought to screw her,
now I'm locked in the back of his van.

Straining against all my bindings,
I look though the windows and these were my findings'
to the left was a wall,
to the right was a door to hell,
and to the rear was a path that was winding.

I somehow regained my freedom,
stumbling out into the wintery season,
wandering down the path to civilization,
I came to the realization'
that my hair was covered in semen.

And that my friends is why,
I need a great deal of rye,
to drown the memories,
of those false mamories,
I cannot do this while dry.

[VampiricLemur]

Niiiice... saving this one <.<

[TSEDTIKS]

Unsolicited critical advice. If you don't want to read this, don't read this. I feel the need to critically analyze poetry as I have a week off and English class really has become a habit. I won't be touching the subject matter, merely the mechanics.

Frame: Expand

First, the most obvious way to improve it is to trim and chop the meter to flow better. Particularly jarring is "to the left was a wall / to the right was a door to hell". That's a 40% increase in syllables, and even worse, that section of every stanza beforehand was of five syllables. Throwing in the seventh throws off the established rhythm of the entire piece off and it's exceedingly difficult to make it flow rhythmically. Blips like that (though none as obvious) can be found throughout the whole piece, which makes it difficult to perform. Drinking songs are usually even simpler than normal as, well, you're meant to be inebriated.

"Wandering down the path... the realization" similarly throws off the rhythm on account of verbosity. It is simply too wordy in falling with the established rhythm. "To drown... false [mammaries]" still fits into the rhythm as it is only a off by a syllable, but could be improved. ("To drown memories / of false mammaries" would be my suggestion).

Of the written work (though this is mere nitpicking) capitalizing the start of every line is standard. It simply looks unpolished and improperly undone.

"I'll tell you a tale' / Of my epic fail' ". "I look [through] the windows and these were my findings' " (Also another rhythm line). I am unsure as to why those apostrophes are there. Of the same stanza, rhyming 'drink' with 'drink' also catches my eye. There are so many other words to choose from you could have fit in there - sink, think, brink, clink, pink, wink, so on and so forth.

Some spelling errors: Spokane*, truly*, through*, mammaries*.

Lastly, I dig the style of a set of limericks. It's interesting and I can't recall seeing a group of them tell a self-contained story before.

[the_steel_rose]

my attention span is way to short right now to get through your entire criticism, but going by the bits i did read i can hardly say that i would disagree with any of it... however, when singing it through to myself it seemed to flow fine to me, having the tune in my head already helps, if there was anything grammatical in your critique i didn't see it but i'll address the issue anyway, i was tired and a bit tipsy when i wrote it and i feel that editing it would eliminate the influences of sleep deprivation and booze so imma keep it the way it is... thanks for the critique anyway though, lets me know that you REALLY read it

[the_steel_rose]

also thanks for the compliment on my originality in structure, had i been more level headed i would have strove to make the limericks form a limerick as well